You are a Failure...

It is time to be honest. I feel like a failure. All the pain and frustration has led me to this point of feeling lonely and feeling like my best efforts weren't good enough. Even with God by my side, I feel like I have no more strength than if an ant tried to lift a mountain. I feel as if all my plans have fallen by the waist side, exposing the insecurities I try to hide. Pride. Pride is Sins best friend. Pride is what makes the strongest of men...crumble, it makes the wisest of men...foolish, and it makes the most passionate men...dormant.

It would be hard for me to explain all that has happened in the last 7 or 8 months of my life. It has been the most challenging moments in my personal life, my ministry, and my relationship with God. It has been the good-bye of someone who I loved, a good-bye to a ministry that I passionately served, and a desperate effort of clinging to Christ when I felt most uncertain of what lie ahead for me. By cultural standards, I was dumped, I work at a job (though I am thankful) that reminds everyday of how I long to be in full time student ministry, and the fact that I can't seem to find a job in ministry anywhere I feel like God may be leading me. I feel like a failure. I failed to be the type of person for someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, I failed to get a job that I actually had, and I failed to trust in Christ in the midst of all of it.

I once heard from a Pastor that the thing you run to when life is chaotic is the thing in which you have the most hope. When all this happened: I ran to myself. I bottled it up. I let deceit and decention have room to run in the chasms of my heart. I let self-pity and self-loathing use my mind as a playground. I allowed Christ a front row seat as I decided to not lean to him for comfort but to lean away. It is crazy to think that I felt like a failure so I steered clear of Christ, when it is Christ that said, "fall all have fallen short of the Glory of God," God has declared me a sinner, declared me as someone who by human strength will fail 100 percent of the time if not were by the strength of Christ working through me. I am a failure. I fail to see God's plan that is unfolding right infront of me, I fail to hear God's direction in my life because I am so preoccupied but my wants and needs, I fail to understand that the character of God is faithful and kind when life gets crazy, I fail to see the bigger picture is something that I will never see, I fail at being content when I know the truth is God is in control, I fail at recognizing that man's ways are not God's ways, I fail at pursuing Christ as much as I do other things on earth.

I dont believe it is just me who fails. I believe we all do. I thank God that He is Faithful and Kind! I praise Him for the blessings He puts in my life even when the storm comes. Many times we want to complain about the rain and the wind, but we dont think to thank God for the life vest! If you feel like you are a failure, it is probably because you are. You have been trying to do things on your own, away from God. You have been trying to be the best, do the right thing, and ended up in the doghouse. It is time you turn your comfort and insecurities to God. It is time to trust in Him completely and stop relying on yourself.

My prayer for today was:

Lord, help me to recognize the strength you give me to complete each day and help me not forget who created the air for me to breathe. Help me to remember that at times I may feel like a failure but that is because I tried doing things on my own and didnt rest in your grace and in your plan. I need you to continue to work in me, because outside of you I fail. Outside of you, I have no one to comfort me when I am disappointed. Outside of you, I am lost. God, thank you so much for your loving sacrifice and unconditional love that you give me each day even though my words and actions could never amount to the price that you paid for me on the Cross.

Amen.